International Space Standards Organisation (ISSO)
Rules For Space and Space Tourism (RFSaST)
Since the 1950’s, brave and dedicated men and women have ventured into the local heavens for science, curiosity and just because it is there to be conquered. Now as we send the over-rich and under trained into space it is recognised that there needs to be guidelines. This guide is an indispensable aide to those venturing forth into the brave new off-world world of space and space tourism.
Note: The Rules use the modern ISSO standard of Furlong-Firkin-Fortnight. (See Rule 17)
Note: The Rules recognise the International Space Standards Organisation (ISSO) as the premier space statutory and regulatory body. It goes without saying that the ISSO’s practical and common sense safety and commercial framework for space tourism far exceeds any produced by the many other national and international agencies.*
*IAASS, ASA, BSA, ACAE, AEM, ASAL, APSCO, ALR, AMAK, NSSA, BIRA, IASB, BISA, ABAE, UKSA, ABE, SRI-BAS, STI, BAS, CSA(ASC), CNSA, CRISP, ASI, BNSC, CNES, DLK, INPE, JAXA, NASA, RFSA, CCSDS, COSPAR, DNSC, DSRI, ESA(ASE,EWO) GISTDA, SERBSPACE (who did not even bother with an acronym), DLR, HUI(HSO), ISRO, HSC, INTA, ISA, LSA (yes, Luxembourg has a space agency), NZSA, KCST, NADA, KARI, LSA, ANGKASA, NARSS, NSP, AEP, CONIDA, PhilSA, ORAC, CONAE, LAPAN, NRSC, CNCT, USSRA, HKAY(NSAU), NSPO,NASDRA, SRON, NRS(NSC), USSAF-SC, SUPARCO, ROSA, EASRT-RSC, CRTS, SLSA, TUA, CCCP, SPARRSO, POLSA (at least Poland put some effort into a clever play on words), SANSA (not the GoT representative of the Independent Kingdom of the North), KACST-SRI, CNVT(VAST-STI), SNSA, SSO, TNSA, UNOOSA, UNCOPUOS, UAESA, MBRSC, ARSE.
The fundamental rule. These rules have been carefully and thoughtfully crafted with amounts of time and effort by many contributing consultants to make space a better place for all humankind. They are rules of common sense and social etiquette that will keep you and your fellow astro-citizens safer and happier. If you don’t agree with them and cannot ignore them, then go to ThirdPlanetPublishingPlanet.com.au and they will be happy to hear (and potentially ignore) your considered opinion. 3P.
The next edition of the Rules will be all the better for the input of our fellow citizen-scientists. Just don’t get all angry and ranty on social media if you are an inconsiderate, or thoughtless human.
Rule 1. GM DH
Wear your seatbelt. Even more important than Rule 2 (and that is a biggie).
Seatbelts people. Install and use seatbelts.
The following is a memo from Admiral Anne ‘Patches’ Sherman Dunwoody Jnr III of the US Space Force.
“The use of Inertia Reaction Control Systems (IRCS) is mandatory on all vessels. If I see another USSF starship going into battle, or banging into space flux energy field shockwaves and everyone flying around the bridge getting knocked unconscious, then someone in Fleet OPCOM is going to get their arse handed to them. The time wasted on cleaning people off the bulkhead would be far better employed doing something useful like practicing saying ‘Admiral on the deck’ in a clear and snappy tone and not making unpatriotic remarks about the latest Space Force logo…”
Rule 2. GM
Under no circumstances enter a big, mysteriously abandoned space hulk, unless you have a death-wish*. Never, not ever, regardless of what salvage you think you might get, and particularly if corporate HQ, or your Government says, ‘It is a great idea, totally safe’. No good will come of it as mysterious space hulks are mysterious and hulky for a reason that is better left undiscovered.
*(Those with a death-wish must fill out ISSO statutory declaration form FRM 2026.15.003 and submit. Do not embark on death-wish actions until you receive your permit.)
Rule 3. DH
Always carry a magnet on a length of string.* That way, when thrust stops and you suddenly find yourself in micro gravity, you will have some way to be not left floating in the middle like a finless fish. Also very useful if you fall off the outside during an extravehicular activity (EVA).^
3b. Extravehicular activity means external to the space vehicle. It is not taking a spare Tesla Roadster into space (even if you do have a valid reason).
3c. Always inform anyone# capable of moving your spacecraft that you are intending to go outside. This should be more than a sticky pad note saying ‘Please don’t touch the thrusters’.
- The MOAS (magnet on a string) device should be stored in the spacesuit pocket labelled ‘MOAS’, next to the one labelled ‘zip-ties’.
- ^ Alternatively you can use your space-potato as a thrust mass by using the ‘spotato thrust mass’ technique (Rule 105).
- # If you have a HAL2000 style AI installed on your ship, make sure it is off when you are outside the ship, especially if your name is David.
Rule 4. PK
If you have to do battle with a nefarious crew mate, troublesome robot, or hungry alien, and you render them unconscious or inoperable by impacting them with a mass, don’t turn your back on them or wander off until you have either:
- secured them securely with an approved securing technique (consider the ‘zip-ties’ pocket.
- rendered them permanently inoperable.
- removed them from the ship using the classic ‘shoved out the airlock’ technique.
4b. Carry a tranquilliser gun, syringe, and/or soaked cloth.
4c. Always carry zip ties for securing crew mates who have been possessed by alien life force, seen too much of the raggedy edge of space, or generally just turned out to be an insane* homicidal maniac.
*Insanity is relative. To quote Ray Bradbury, “It depends on who locks who in what cage.”
Note: Putting your prisoner outside the ship in a vacuum suit can act as a satisfactory short term brig. Ensure they haven’t followed Rule 3 or Rule 105.
Rule 5. PK
Do not have a brig containing any sort of interface or wiring behind the wall paneling that allows the prisoner to hack into the ship’s communications, door controls or central computer. Design your ship properly or get a refit and stop being a lazy moron.
5b. Don’t use a force field to contain a prisoner. This is generally considered as ABI* (A Bad Idea).
Rule 6. DH
In general, it is considered quite challenging to communicate with an unlisted alien species so don’t feel bad if you think you are not communicating your intentions. In all likelihood, you aren’t. For humanoid aliens, take a whyteboard and a marker pen as humanoids will not always speak English, even on the third planet. If hasty and crudely rendered pictographs do not solve the communications problems of first contact, then at least you can document your last thoughts as the aliens ready the probes for your semi latus rectum (see Rule 106).
6b. Talking loudly and slowly will not improve communication with entities who do not understand your language.
6c. Humans have been broadcasting to space for many decades, so try to not act surprised if a giant squid be-tentacled alien emits perfectly formed, slightly posh English.
Rule 7. GM
Let the old people, and the mega rich, go first.
1. It’s polite.
2. Space will still be there in a few years time. Meanwhile, enjoy the coral reefs, orangutans, and snow capped mountains because they will all soon be gone due to the fossil fuel emissions from space tourism.
3. It’s all quite dangerous, 50% of safety controls are below average, and the ISSO are in charge of regulations. See if the slow and the vain survive before you book that space holiday.
7b. Expect most facilities to be designed for the old and rich as they all went first. There is a small cluster of frozen O&R at the Lagrange point on the far side of the Moon. Worth a look. Good coffee.
Rule 8. RBG
Do not book into Tump Space Towers. Space tourism will result in orbiting space hotels where the terms perfect, wonderful and really, really good do not necessarily mean the same thing in the real world as in Tump World. It will be a dodgy, unsafe ripoff and only those with a valid ISSO DWP (Death Wish Permit) should stay at Tump facilities.
8b. Do not invest in Tump Space Towers. (See Rule 8).
Rule 9. GM
Snakes on the space plane. Yes, this will happen. It is another proven phenomenon, that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong in space. Even if all the other rules are meticulously followed, some idiot will somehow bring snakes on board, and they WILL escape. Fact.
9b. So, ensure that there is a Samuel L Jackson cyborg /clone stored behind glass that says, “In case of snakes – break glass”. The SLJ clone is then activated via the specific phrase, “There are mother effing snakes, on this mother effing space plane”. Snakes will thereafter be eliminated.
9c. A potentially cheaper alternative to the solution it is to depressurise the entire ship, probably killing several people who are too slow, or dumb, to don their environmental suit or are having a quicky in the space toilet (Rule 11). This is a bit of a downer and also likely invokes Rule 10, making for a false economy. So go with an SLJ.
Rule 10. GM
Space Lawyers. Sorry, but they will be a thing and you will just have to get used to it. Worse than space-crabs (Rule 11), and twice as ubiquitous. Anywhere there is potential for the coexistence of accidents and entitled rich people, there will be lawyers chasing space ambulances.
Rule 11. MP
No sex in the space toilet please. This is extremely dangerous and you will probably die. The ISSO acknowledges that sex in space will be amazing. The lack of requirement for foundational undergarments alone will be visually sensational. While sex in space is completely encouraged, and will be a cornerstone of the attractiveness of space tourism, a quickie in the toilet cubicle is proscribed by the ISSO as it is deadly on so many fronts:
11a. All that passionate groping about in a confined cubicle is likely to hit the waste jettison button, leading to nasty suction injuries or worse.
Note: DO NOT attempt to use the manual suction for anything relating directly to sexual activity. It is ABI and may result in you returning to Earth for emergency medical treatment.
11b. In event of snakes-on-a-space-plane (Rule 9) or any other emergency, lovers in the toilet are certain to be the first to perish.
11c. The Mile High Club will be topped, literally, by the 500 Furlong High Club. The urge to achieve this furlong-stone may be strong, so consider all the sections of Rule 11 before the attempt. It is very likely that you will get a case of space-crabs, which is indeed very nasty in a spacesuit, and only marginally better than a case of space lawyers (Rule10).
11d. All space crab infections must be immediately reported. Cases of late reports have resulted in vacuum suits entirely full of space crabs surrounding very agitated humans. They will even breed in the capture bulb of the cleanup robots. This can all be avoided by early reporting of any signs of space crabs and treatment is a relatively painless high pressure alkaline spray bath followed by a relatively painless nine second exposure to the vacuum of space. Remember to moisturise, breath out and keep your eyes shut (see Rule 39).
11e. Also if you are connected during of a sudden change in thrust direction, it is possible to break part of yourself at the point where you are physically coupled (an anatomically specific risk – see your space doctor if you are unsure of your anatomical risk).
11f. On certain tourist group space trips, sex in space is catered for by the generous and liberal supply of Kruger-Dunning Space Sex BagsTM, special air filters, efficient activated- carbon odour scrubbers and Kruger-Dunning Single Use VelcroTM.
Rule 12. TO
The assertion that in space no one can hear you scream is inaccurate. In a vacuum, noone can hear you scream.
Exception: Space lawyers can, for reasons not fully explained with current physics, detect litigation potential, even in hard vacuum. This is probably something to do with money-duplicity quantum entanglement.
So generally, in a properly functioning space-tourism space, people can hear raised voices. For the sake of other clients and guests, please refrain from screaming in the throes of death or climax, unless you’re absolutely certain you’re in a vacuum. Thank you.
12b. There is a place in a proper space tourism economy for tantric yoga space screaming (TYSS TM). This is very cathartic and shared via for subscription Spacebook channels, or by touching helmets.
12c. If a tree falls in a vacuum, did it really fall?
12d. In space no one can hear you whistle. Space suits contain insufficient atmospheric pressure to generate the vibration required.
Rule 13. MP
Space pants (Spants TM) are not optional. Even for the solo long distance space racer, or solo survivor doomed to a slow, agonising, lonely death, pants should be worn. There is enough space junk floating about up there already and incontinence in space is not just inconvenient. Furthermore it is difficult to get a good seal on your spacesuit in an emergency if it does not include pants (Rule 11). Keep your pants on and talk to your potato.
13b. Space kink is a real thing, and it will have a place in a properly functioning space tourism environment as promoted by the Free Space Association (FSA – freespaceass.com), but only amongst cashed up, consenting adults. The Scottish Space Program, where astronauts wear kilts, is already a subscription phenomenon.
Rule 14. FB
If it doesn’t happen on Spacebook, it hasn’t happened. Even if you are left drifting frozen and rigid in space: without a selfie, it didn’t happen.
Rule 15. FB
Selfie sticks are permitted. Everyone has the right to a picture of themselves in front of the Crab Nebula, or hanging over the edge of the ridiculously unnecessary void surrounding the central computer core. If it leads to the dumb and the unobserved drifting into the depths of space (Rule 3), or being sucked into a sublight engine, so be it, and thank you Mr Darwin. With gratuitous application of hard vacuum, other guests will not even be troubled by the screams (Rule 12).
Note: Gyro stabilised selfie sticks are available for use in microgravity to stop the camera floating out of position.
Note: A selfie stick can be combined with Rule 3 for self rescue in an FF situation.
Rule 16. GM
Captains must delegate.* The captain, even on a small ship, is not the one to lead every boarding or away-party. That is what up-and-coming young officers, marines and other expendable types are for. The captain is there to lend experience, be a cool head, and generally straighten out the situation when they have broken Rule 2. Stop being a glory-hog, mentor your crew, and learn to delegate.
*Yes, this is mostly about you James Tiberius Kirk.
Rule 17. SP
ISSO scientific analysis has determined that 33.14175% of space statistics are made up.
| INTERNATIONAL FURLONG-FIRKIN-FORTNIGHT STANDARD | |||
| DISPLACEMENT | |||
| 1 furlong (Fur) | 1/8 mile, 220 yd | 201m | |
| 1 millifurlong | Approx 8 in | 201mm | |
| 1 microfurlong | – | 0.201mm | |
| 4.971 fur | – | 1 km | |
| 4.971 millifur | – | 1 m | |
| 4.971 microfur | – | 1 mm | |
| 8 fur | 1 mile | – | |
| MASS | |||
| 1 Firkin (Fir) | 90 lb | 40.8 kg | |
| 1 millifirkin | 1.44 oz | 40.8 gm | |
| Barrel (8 Firkins) | 720 lb | 326.4 kg | |
| 24.5 millifir | – | 1 kg | |
| TIME | |||
| Fortnight (Ftn) | 14 days / 336 hr | 1,209,600 s | |
| 1 millifortnight | 20.16 min | 1210 s | |
| 1 microfortnight | – | 1.210 s | |
| VELOCITY | |||
| 1 furlong/fortnight | – | 0.000166 m/s | |
| 0.125 mile/ 336hr= 0.000372 mph | 0.000599 km/h | ||
| 1 kilofurlong/fortnight | – | 0.166 m/s | |
| Approx 0.4 mph | Approx 0.6 km/h | ||
| 1 megafurlong/fortnight | – | 166 m/s | |
| 372 mph | 599 km/h | ||
| 1670 fur/ftn | – | 1 km/h | |
| 6013 fur/ftn | – | 1 m/s | |
| 2688 fur/ftn | 1 mph | – | |
| VOLUME | Bottle: firkin / 20 | Approx 1/2 US gallon | 2.04 litre |
- the standard metric firkin (40.8kg) [based on volume of standard beer] should not be confused with the imperial firkin (45lb) [ based on volume of standard butter]
1 fur/ftn = 201m/ftn = 201m/ (14daysx24hrx60minx60sec ) = 201/1209600 m/s
= approx 0.000166 m/s.
Rule18. JB
Space is a NO SMOKING zone.* If you are smoking (voluntarily or involuntarily), please exit the space craft and smoking will cease.
*This includes the pastime of lunting.
Rule19 appears to have gone missing. If found please return to 3rdPlanet-PublishingPlanet.com.
Rule 20. SP
In an emergency, grab the cat. Another proven, albeit unexplained, space phenomenon is that the cat will survive the ensuing disaster.
20b. When grabbing cat, make sure it is in fact a cat, and not a shape shifting alien.
Rule 21. DH
Wear 2000+ sunblock when using an REVA buggy without a vac suit.
Note: it may be a short trip if it is an open cockpit buggy. Check this before venturing outside.
21b. ISSO approved HOPMSS (Hand operated pole mounted solar shields) may be used in lieu of sunblock, will help in decreasing skin red shift, and make for a really good Mary Poppins impression in low g.
Rule 22. GM
In case of fire, do not use the space elevator. Take the stairs.
Note: Taking the stairs back down to Earth can take a few years. Carry water and muesli bars.
Rule 23. TO
Do not lick the exterior of spacecraft. It will be either frozen to minus 200 degrees or heated to plus 300 degrees. Only apply the tongue to designated lickable items, fitted with ISSO 91000:2020 approved “This is a lickable item” decal.
Rule 24. SP
Do not orbit retrograde in prograde orbit.
24b. Do not orbit prograde in a retrograde orbit.
24c. Everyone needs to head in the same direction, or it gets a bit messy. Even if you think that you are a hotshot pilot and that rules are for losers, your reflexes will not be up to the test of avoiding a head-on collision at 92 million furlongs per fortnight (55,000 kph).
Rule 25. MP
If you discover an alien civilization do not insist on climbing on top of their monuments, temples, or sacred stuff. Remember you’re not in Bali or Trafalgar Square. Granted, determining what constitutes sacred things in an alien culture can be very difficult, so play it safe and be respectful at all times. Chances are that a pissed off alien race will not simply suffer your obnoxious, inconsiderate behaviour just because they desperately need the tourism. They will likely just nuke you or the Earth.
25b. If you discover an alien civilisation, please complete ISSO Form FRM 1143.17.00 and submit it at the reception desk of your space accommodation or upon return to an Earth customs station.
25c. If you bring war upon Earth, the cost of the destruction will be added to your bar tab and charged to your credit card.
Rule 26. JB
Spacesuits are for space. It is not cool to wear spacesuits back on Earth once clear of customs or quarantine, unless you are harbouring an alien parasite. It is considered good form to declare personal infestation on your declarations card.
26b. Exception: Everydayastronaut.com and cute children under five years of age are exempt for Rule 26.
Rule 27. GM
High heels are not appropriate footwear. It is very difficult to get a proper magnetic-boot grip to the deck / hull in a pair of high heels.
27b. The sugar daddy potential of space is high, given the predilection for space tourism of the elderly mega rich who are invariably single due to their insufferable ego and sociopathic personality, which are the very personality traits that made them so successful at becoming mega rich in the first place. While short skirts, and too-high Jimmy Choo heels are an acknowledged advantage in this competitive marketplace, a better investment is in a stylish low cut the Versacchi onesie and application of Rules 8, 11, and 13b.
Rule 28. FA
Most fictional characters, including Doctor Who, are not real. The blue police call box in geostationary orbit over Mare Euythraeum is not a stolen Gallifreyan artefact, but rather a marker for Eugene McGuintys Tourist House and Ye Olde Space Junk Shoppe.
Rule 29. SP DH
All bathrooms are to be placarded with the ISSO 91000:2020 standard “GFWC” luminescent decal. Go, Flush, Wait, Check is a vital safety routine to ensure no free floaters or blowback causes catastrophic contagion or equipment failure.
- Go = Situate yourself on the toilet donut and activate the suction. If all is well, you will now be held in place. If there are whistling sounds, you may not be properly seated on the donut, or your legs may be apart. Use toilet seating gel to close air gaps if you are struggling to make a relatively airtight seal. Once sealed, allow your motion to evacuate your person.
- Flush = Press the ‘Flush’ button before lifting yourself from the donut. Your preprocessed waste will be transported by fast flowing air towards the recycling systems where the moisture will be removed for water conservation, and the organic components will be recycled and prepared for use by the galley. Yum.
- Wait = The automated cleanser will activate automatically. A small articulated arm will collect any klingons™ from your person. Try not to wiggle. A lightly alcoholic cleansing solution and warm air dryer will activate. Wait for the light to change to green before moving from the donut.
- Check = Once the green light comes on, lift yourself from the donut. Look for particulate matter in the airspace before opening the door. Use the particulate matter collection snoot to vacuum the area if you notice any large particles. It is a matter of some importance to not open the door before the cubicle is completely free of particulates.
Rule 30. JB
All bulk oxygen freighters are to have “NO SMOKING” painted in 151 millifurlong (100 feet) high red lettering on a white background.
Rule 31. DH
Dinitrogen tetroxide and Aerozone-50 are not to be stored in open containers.
31b. Don’t eat the trinitrotoluene sticks. TO
Rule 32. JB
The Princess Leia reproduction bikini costume in the gift shop is not a wise choice of gift on a first space date.
32b. Exception: If you are a true space nerd, have had a long virtual courtship, and you are certain that Rule 13b applies, then go right ahead.
Rule 33. DH
Velcro is your friend. Velcro patches for tools, emergency kit, torches, MOAS, batons, tranq guns, protein bars, potato etc will save your life.
Note: Do not use “KDT SU Velcro™”. (KrugerDunning.com).
Kruger-Dunning Technologies Single Use Velcro can be extremely annoying when confused with normal multi-use Velcro.
33b. Also extremely useful for attaching various varieties of cat in application of Rule 20, leaving both hands free to deal with Rules 2, 4, and 13.
33c. Velcro is your friend, but don’t overdo it. Being unable to pry yourself from the walls or ceiling to execute an emergency evac may exceed 1 mega micromorts. (See Rule 110).
Rule 34. GM
Loose Socks Sink Spocks. All socks are to be controlled items. Socks are to be proscribed, or issued and audited daily and installed with 24/7 micro trackers.
34b. Laundry of socks is prohibited. Socks are to be collected and stowed for return to Earth, or incinerated. Socks are not to be jettisoned (see Rule 40). While humankind has not mastered teleportation, sock-kind has. Detailed ISSO scientific study has calculated a mean-time-to-catastrophe-failure (MTCF) of 3.16 fortnights for every unaccounted sock. Socks that are capable of gumming up a washing machine are more than capable of seriously affecting the delicate environmental control of a spaceship.
Rule 35. GM
Never traveled in a ship with a Capissen 38 engine. Renowned astro-engineer, Kaylee Frye summed it up best, “They just fall right out of the sky.”
Rule 36. PK
Under no circumstances eat the complimentary pseudo confectionery at Eugene McGuintys Tourist House and Ye Olde Space Junk Shoppe.
Rule 37. SP
The most exciting and detailed region of any moon or planet is the terminator: the line that divides the bright sunlit side from the part in shadow. Do not worry if you miss it on the first orbit. It will be back.
Note. If you find some sort of robot skeleton there, don’t touch it.
Rule 38. GM
The fact that space is reputed to have an acrid, burnt metallic smell may or may not have anything to do with the associated fact that all humans reporting this phenomenon have just arrived in a metal ship blasted into space by incinerating hydrocarbons.
Rule 39. DH
Moisturise. A daily skin regime will help retain more of your skin’s natural elasticity and this will be advantageous if you are jettisoned into space without a suit. Your body will expand and start to freeze (but will not explode) and you can avoid unsightly stretch marks if you do manage to be rescued within 80 microfortnights (96 seconds) or save yourself with judicious application of Rule 3 within 12 microfortnights (15 seconds).
Rule 40. GM
Do not litter. A confectionary wrapper with a mass of five grams blown by an Earth tornado at 300 kilometres per hour, will strike a weather reporter with a kinetic energy of 17.36J. The same Snickers wrapper striking the windshield of a spacecraft at 28,000 kilometres per hour will impart a residual kinetic energy of 115235J through the pilot’s head.
Rule 41. MP
Do not take children to the Big Banda Bang Bar. The ‘argument of periapsis’ between theoretical and observational astronomers has descended into language not fit for the young or innocent.
Rule 42. 3P
What was the question again? *
Rule 43. GM
The Celestial Pole Nightclub is famous for its perturbation: the complex motion of a celestial body that is subject to forces, other than gravity alone.
43b. Katriona Lovivostok’s Dance of the Saber’s Beads at the Celestial Pole is documented in the Guinness Book of Galactic RecordsTM as the single most stimulating example of perturbation.
Rule 44. TO
Do not let anyone in a spacebar to try to convince you that xenobiology is a real science.
Rule 45. JB
The Waldorf-Hilton OMG is worth a visit for the fine artwork on display in the foyer, including a beautiful impressionist Hertzsprung-Russell diagram done during their red giant branch period.
Rule 46. SP
A parsec is a unit of distance not time. Be very wary of supposedly experienced space captains who do not know the difference. They also have a tendency to shoot first. (Yes, we’re looking at you Captain Solo.)
46b. Avoid bar conversations with anyone who can quote the actual definition of a parsec. That being the unit of length defined as the distance at which a star would show a parabolic shift of exactly one arcsecond as observed from Earth’s orbit and being equal to 3.2616 light years, or 206,265 AU. You will have a better time at the Celestial Pole. (Rule 43).
Rule 47. PK
The speed of light is bloody fast. It is unlikely you can dodge a blaster bolt coming toward you at 1,490,259 furlongs per second (299,792,458 mps). If faced with a blaster, fire first.
Rule 48. AB
The Ptolemyetric terms of superior planet and inferior planet are offensively prejudicial and not to be used. Use of such terms leading to an alien war against Earth will be charged your bar tab (see Rule 25).
Rule 49. WB
If you have to assist during premature labour in space, the zero-age-main-sequence (ZAMS) is best achieved by adopting the positions along the Hertzsprung-Russell diagram.
Rule 50. LO
No one dies in acronym-rich space. They merely exhibit EOL (End of Life).
Rule 51. FA
The ISSO has currently endorsed the following classes of space hotel:
-OMG. Orbiting Micro Gravity. Orbiting habitat.
-OLG. Orbiting Low Gravity. Centrifugal force (spin) generated gravity orbiting habitat.
-MGH. Micro Gravity Habitat. Small asteroid based facilities.
-LGH. Low Gravity Habitat. Moon/planet based facilities with < 0.6 Earth g.
-DSFF. Deep Space Free Floaty.
Rule 52. FA
Space hotel quality and hospitality ranking is confusing for the first time visitor. A star rating does not work. Just consider the confusion of a 5 star rating on a binary (2-star) system. The ISSO 91000:2020 standard mandates a ranking based on stellar categorisation (in ascending order) of O B A F G K M. This is difficult to remember, so use the aide, “Oh be a fine Gorn, kiss me,” as attributed to, but denied by, archived historical figure James Tiberius Kirk.
52b. Eugene McGuintys Tourist House and Ye Olde Space Junk Shoppe is currently classified K+. (See Rule 63).
Rule 53. DH
It is recommended to pack insect repellent if visiting Klendathu. A lot of it and the strongest you can find. Kruger Dunning TechnologyTM Bug Zappo PlusTM is recommended. It should only be applied as per the directions.
Note: While the directions state, ‘Only place on the outside of the spacesuit’, the Guide recommends that if visiting Klendathu, don’t. Thus the BZP can go on someone else’s suit.
Rule 54. FSA
To maximise profit from space tourism, governments and corporations should not let a sense of doing what is right prevent them from doing what their morals permit. (As promoted by the Free Space Association Faction For Unimpeded Space Commercialism at freespaceass.com)
Rule 55. TO
Never fire a laser perpendicularly at a mirror.
Rule 56. GM
When manoeuvring a small spacecraft to target an aperture in an asteroid-sized spacecraft, use the Force. It is by definition, ‘a vector quantity to produce an acceleration of a body in the direction of its application’, i.e. it is the very thing required to move you in the direction you need to go.
Rule 57. AB
Contrary to popular belief, and those advertising on Spacebook, there is no such thing as (steady state) zero g. Gravity exists everywhere in the known universe and is the second most influential force affecting all matter and time in space.
57b. The most influential force is the quantum entanglement of victims and space lawyers. (See Rule 10).
Rule 58. DH
Ultra High Altitude Flights (UHAF) and short duration space-hops are administered by the ISSO subcommittee: IPSO FACTO (International Panel for Sub Orbital Flight Activities and Commercial Tourism Opportunities).
Rule 59. FA
Would the owner of a 2008 red Tesla, please move your vehicle. It is blocking traffic between Ceres and Mars.
Rule 60. GM
Always carry a spare bag of potato crisps. In the event of a sudden decompression, it is both emergency rations and the best money you ever spent mostly on air.
Rule 61. FA
All 1042 of the ‘Top-10’ companies registered with IPSO FACTO aim to give you the “ultimate, unique space experience.” Just like every other customer.
Rule 62. AB
Be aware that half the companies producing space based vacuum life-support systems are below average. (See Rule 7).
Rule 63. SP
The rumour “that when it comes to delivering your complete safety in the unforgiving vacuum of space, Eugene McGuinty’s Tourist House and Ye Olde Space Junk Shoppe stops at nothing” is not true. They stop just a smidgin before delivering nothing.
Rule 64. PC
With a career in space tourism, the sky is not the limit.
Rule 65. PK
To avoid suffering from insanity induced by excess exposure to the raggedy edge of space:
-avoid the raggedy edge space, or
-just go with it and enjoy it while it lasts. (See Rule 4).
Rule 66. FA
The ISSO standardised formula for how attractive (A) you are in space is:
A= (Number of parsecs to the nearest civilisation) divided by (Number of persons present)
A= pc/n
Note: The ISSO formula for A, is not universally supported by FreeSpaceAssoc or endorsed by ThirdPlanetPublishingPanet.
E.g.
The Attractiveness (A) of Scarlett Johansson at two parsecs from Earth in a capsule of 100 people: A=2/100 = 0.02
The (A) of Eugene McGuinty at 100 parses in a craft of 2 people: A=100/2 = 50.
If you have ever seen Eugene McGuinty without Spants (TM), you will know that given any choice, you would readily travel back the 98 parsecs to find Ms Johansson.
Rule 67. TO
In the event of the loss or consumption of all edible matter and the complete absence of a potato, the Edibility (E) of a fellow space tourist is given by the ISSO standardised formula: E = A.
Rule 68. RBG
The Don J Tump definition of a parsec is the distance between ego and IQ.
Rule 69. GM
Is the same in micro g as it is on Earth, except better.
Rule 70. DH
Graveyard orbits are the most cost effective place to put unwanted bodies and those people that insist on writing bad reviews on Spacebook.
Rule 71. TO
Do not wear a spacesuit if you have a bad head cold.
Rule 72. GM
The IRAM radio telescope has detected ethyl formate in the gas cloud Sagittarius B2 at the centre of the galaxy. So, unlike the rest of space (see Rule 38) the centre of the galaxy reputedly smells like rum and tastes like raspberries. Space pirates (see Rule 74) maintain that it tastes like rum and smells like freedom, but the word of a space pirate is rarely to be trusted.
Rule 73. GM
According to the highly reputable TasteofSpace.com, the most efficacious alcoholic drink served in the solar system is said to be the Sagittarius 2B Headbanger, an ethyl formate based intoxicant (see Rule 72) as served at the Celestial Pole (see Rule 43). This is not to be confused with the best drink in existence, which is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster described by Douglas Adams in the “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. But the PGGB is not actually available in the solar system. There are online imitations but no one literally serves the true effect of having your brain smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick, except by actually wrapping a slice of lemon around a large gold brick, which does not qualify as a drink. The Saggi2B Headbanger is more akin to having raspberries stuffed up both nostrils and being whacked on the head with a bottle of rum. One drink may be okay, but after several your legs fail to work, and you can have an ongoing aversion to raspberries.
73b. The Ag-Dome Raspberry Farmers Association of Mars (AgDoRFAM) have petitioned the ISSO to ban the Saggi2B Headbanger.
Rule 74. SP
Leonard’s Fourth Law of Romanticism states that to maintain cosmic equilibrium, for every space lawyer there is a space pirate. (Often they are the same unit).
74b. Space pirates, in the finest Caribbean tradition, always stick to the Code, and do not believe in rules so much as guidelines. The companion publication “The 3rd Planet Guide to Space and Space Piracy” may be pirated from ThirdPanetPublishingPlanet.com a small fee. It is guaranteed to contain no rules, just guidelines.
Rule 75. MP
The Hubble Space Telescope, referred to as “a window to the universe”, cost US$11 million. It has produced over 1500 scientific papers, and been cited in 738,000 others. The Leonard Oglescope in the corner of Eugene McGuintys THAYOJS (see Rule 28) cost AU$4000 and is trained on the change-room window of the Celestial Pole (see Rule 43). It has produced over 4300 scientific papers and be cited in 25 billion Spacebook posts.
Rule 76. AB
ISSO Space Quarantine Regulation- Drosophila Melanogaster:1946 prohibits importation of stone fruit from space, as it may be infected with the descendants of the first living creatures to have been deliberately launched into Earth orbit.
Rule 77. GM
The fact that there is never truly zero g is proven by Leonard’s Fifth Law: Even in space, shit flows downhill.
Rule 78. DH GM
Leonard’s 2nd Law of Argument states that a bullshit factoid, unlike mass, retains the same weight, independent of the force of gravity.
Note: A factoid has two components. The Fact, and the Toid (second T left out for compactness). The fact is the true part and the toid isn’t. You can thus use the word in a sentence such as ‘That is not true. I was there. That is such a Toid.’
Rule 79. LO
A career in outer space tourism is only ever 62 miles away.
79b. For those who do not think they are cut out for customer relations see Rule 80.
Rule 80. DH
In space tourism, the customer is always right. However, when they are truely obnoxious, there is often a faulty airlock. So much tragedy.
Rule 81. SP
ISSO standard 91000:2020 stipulates that currently the universe is comprised of 5% matter, 27% dark matter, and 68% dark energy. It is further postulated that of the invisible dark energy, 80% is stored as potential for litigation by space lawyers (see Rule 10).
Rule 82. SP
There are 00000010 stellar bodies in any binary star system.
Rule 83. 3P
The Third Planet Publishing Planet (3P) categorises those who post on Spacebook into two classes:
– those who are good astrocitizens and keep their opinions civil.
– those that should step out of the airlock without a helmet.
83b. The Free Space Association (FSA) Faction for Unimpeded Space Commercialism categorise those who write space regulations into two classes of employees:
– those should be forced out of an airlock without a helmet.
– a small bronze paperweight.
Rule 84. FA
Leonard’s 7th Law of Discourse states that Spacebook has ample capacity for two kinds of people. Those who love to talk, and those who refuse to listen.
Rule 85. LO
The European Union does not have an effective space tourism industry because it cannot make sensible rules. E.g. Rule 229 for Rules of Procedure of the European Parliament, 2018 states, ‘At the end of the last part session before elections all unfinished business shall be deemed to have lapsed subject to the provisions of the second paragraph.’
85b. ISSO Rule 229 for Rules of Procedure During an Election: ‘All bets are off, promises don’t count, and nobody cares what you agreed to yesterday.’
Rule 86. 3P
Do not mix Rule 9b and Rule 113.
Rule 87. PC
A good plasma-drive engineer will not have too many ions in the fire.
Rule 88. PC
Better late than never does not apply to critical oxygen resupply.
Rule 89. DH
All things come to those who wait at the bottom of the gravity well.
Rule 90. PK
‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’, is not an excuse for skipping routine maintenance on your Capissen-38 engine. Capissen: if it ain’t broke, it will be.
Rule 91. GM
Laughter is not the best medicine when your ship suffers emergency decompression. However, shouting “William Shatner’s pants”, three times quickly may lend a brief moment of distracting levity to the panic.
Rule 92. TO
People who live in glass houses should not throw stones is very, very true on Mars, the Moon, Venus, Ganymede, Calypso, Titan, Ceres, …
Rule 93. PC
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer is not true in space. Keep your enemies in the air lock (see Rule 4).
Rule 94. PC
‘The enemy of my enemy is my friend’ is poor advice. The enemy of your enemy is probably just a psycho who is out to kill everyone (see Rules 2 & 4). At the very least keep your enemy and the enemy of your enemy in the airlock and let them sort it out for themselves.
Rule 95. CC
Grass is not greener on the other side of the moon. It may be more Chinese.
Note. The RFSaST acknowledges Toob Obsworth from the FSA for his contribution to space-lore. There is no dark side of the moon. Firstly the moon is roughly spherical and does not have ‘sides’ and secondly the entire surface of the moon gets sunlight, it just doesn’t face Earth. ToobObsworth@freespaceass.com.
Rule 96. AB
A person who believes that the pen is mightier than the sword has never owned a lightsaber.
Rule 97. Anon
Do not mess about with experimental lightsaber designs off the interweb as they may be extremely dang…
Rule 98. FA
Never buy cheap second hand tyres from Baikonur, Kazakhstan. Russian cosmonauts urinate on the wheels of the bus taking them to the launch pad for good luck.
98b. Special tyre-scented gift cards from Baikonur may be purchased through the FSA (freespaceass .com) in accordance with Rule 13b.
Rule 99. SP
Where there is smoke there is oxygen, or at least an oxidising reagent.
Rule 100. 3P
Do not read Rule 100.
Rule 101. 3P
The interstellar void contains approximately 8.141 e+12 atoms per cubic furlong* and 3rd Planet Publishing Planet always strives to maintain an equivalent density of carefully researched fact in the Rules For Space and Space Tourism’s data server hard drives.
* one atom per cubic centimetre.
Rule 102. FA
“Spacious” is not to be used in space tourism advertising.
Rule 103. PK
The approximate going rate for the cost of repair to a Capissen-38 engine by a reputable, licensed engineer is $4004.38 (travel time, docking fees and EVA charges not included). Standard practice to repair a C-38 is to hit it as hard as possible with a large pipe wrench and takes approximately 20 seconds. ISSO fee structure includes $4.38 for time, $20 for ISSO surcharge, and $3980 for knowing where to hit.
Rule 104. TO
Mountaineering above 15,000 feet elevation on Olympus Mons without breathing oxygen support is only permitted with ISSO e-Permit 5554986, and strictly only between the times 1400 and 1403 Mars Eastern Daylight Saving Time.
Rule 105. GM
The most useful item to take into space is a potato. The official ISSO term for this item is Space Potato (Spotato). It is useful for :
-food,
-alcohol,
-a battery,
-first aid*
-hull plug
-ballast,
-thrust mass, to throw when activating Newton’s 3rd Law in the hope of propelling oneself back to the space ship in the event of just having fallen off and not obeying Rule 3,
-a Wilson-friend (if you let it grow eyes and weird furry hair) when you find yourself marooned in space,
-moisturiser,
-removing broken light bulbs/ emergency lamps,
-cleaning the silverware,
-removing berry or blood stains (see Rule 4, Rule 7),
-viewport cleaner,
-helmet visor anti fog,
-rust remover,
-growing more potatoes.
*Burns: apply a mixture of grated potato and water.
Sprains: make a cold compress from frozen cooked potato in a dish cloth.
Muscle ache: make a hot compress of boiled potato and wrap it in a dish cloth.
Headache: rub the temples with a raw potato.
Heartburn: juice and drink a potato.
Heartbreak: drink Saggi2B headbanger and confide in your potato.
Insomnia: eat warm potato and milk at bed time.
Toothache: bite down on raw potato.
Bruising: apply potato juice to the area
‘Getting The Best From Your Spotato’, is available at ThirdPlanetPublishingPlanet.com
Spotato findings taken from of a two year ISSO-funded study titled, ‘The Most Useful Thing To Take Into Space’, conducted by Dr Rahji Kameshmani. A follow-on study titled, “What the Space Were We Paying All That Money to Dr Kameshmani For” is currently seeking public input at ISSO-standards.org.
105b. Coincidentally, a study by the FSA to determine the most useless item to take into space determined that it was Dr Kameshmani. Contribution to this study may be made at freespaceass .com
Rule 106. SP GM
The ISSO standard for the space potato is the ISSO Michelago Standard Spotato Standard:2019, or MSS:2019.
One MSS Unit*=
Major axis 385 microfurlongs ( 77.38mm)
Minor axis 321 microfurlongs (64.57mm)
Median axis 290 microfurlongs (58.33mm)
Semi latus rectum (SLR) [the radius of curvature at the vertex] 105 microfurlongs (21.09mm)
Mass 3.90 millifirkin (162g)
Volume 75 millibottles (153ml)
Density 0.0412 firkins/bottle (1078 kg/m3)
Organic sheath depth 2.5 microfurlongs (0.51 mm)
# eyes: 3 to 5
Galvanic potential 0.505 volts (raw) D.C.
Raw Power 0.811W
Stored potential energy 2857 millifortnights (40 days)
Colour F9E4B7 (“light beige jobbie”)
Shelf life** (unrefrigerated). 2503 millifortnights
Shelf life (refrigerated 4C). 6509 millifortnights
*Measured in international standard environmental conditions:
Temp 15.0 C
Humidity 31.1%
Air Pressure 1013.2 millibar
Elevation 4.011 Furlongs [fur] (807m)
Lat/Long 35.74S/ 149.18E
**Shelf life, like radioactive half life, is the time taken for a potato to decay to 50% efficacy.
Rule 107. DB
If anyone has heard from Major Tom, please contact Ground Control. They have not heard from him since 1969, and are starting to get a tad worried. Thanks.
Rule 108. GM
A note on comparative volumes. The straight forward and logical explanation of a volume in any scientific unit such as cubic furlongs (or even arcane cubic metres) is far too boring for mass media. All volumes, areas, lengths and mass must be explained in terms of other objects. This leads inevitably to a plethora of equivalency standards, which the Rules to Space and Space Tourism attempts to untangle.
It is traditional, but not compulsory, to round up all comparative volumes to the nearest, vaguely approximate whole number.
International Space Station (ISS) expressed in typical comparative units of measurement.
| ISS: | MASS | LENGTH | VOLM | SPEED | AREA |
| Furlong-Firkin- Fortnight | 10,000 fir | 0.5 fur | – | 5 million fur/ftn | 0.05 furfurs |
| SI | 419,725 kg | 109m | 915.6 m 3 | 29,000 km/hr | 2500 m 2 |
| Blue whale | Four whales | Also four whales | – | – | – |
| Double Decker Bus (DDB) | 419 GMV | 10 buslengths | – | 15,300 times the average speed in inner London | – |
| Soccer | – | 0.99 pitch | – | – | 0.35 paddocks |
| Gridiron | – | 1 field | – | – | 0.47 fields |
| Pea* | 140 million peas | 100,000 diameters | – | – | – |
| Liechtenstein | Completely unsuitable comparison often cited in FSA posts | ||||
| Olympic (OSP) Swimming Pool | – | 2 and a bit laps | One third | – | – |
| Imperial | 923,395 lb | 119 yd | 32,333 ft 3 | 5 miles | 27,000 ft 2 |
| MSS** | 2.5million | 1300 | – | – | – |
*the standard pea: 8.01 mm, 2.99 gram
** the Michalego Standard Spotato (See Rule 106)
108b. The beauty of this simplified system of comparative units is elegantly demonstrated by the easy expression of the kinetic energy of the ISS as it hurtles through space:
Ek = x volm(spotato)/ 1volm(OSP) .y mass (DDB) . [ n furlongs/ fortnight ].[m miles/hr]
Rule 109. PC
Time travel in space is possible. Your future self is watching your memories right now.
Rule 110. FA
Micromorts, the one in 1 million chance of probability of death. Micromorts is the ISSO preferred measure of probability of an event leading to death or other fatal outcome. 1 Mort = probability of 1.
Rule 111. AB
Leonard’s Sixth Law of Dyslexia states that in the infinite infinity of space, there must exist sufficient typing monkeys to produce The Complete Wonks of William Spearshakes.
Rule 112. JB
The galactic year (GY) is the standard time standard used at the ISSO Dept of Complaints. One GY is equal to the time it takes the solar system to revolve once around the galactic core, approximately 250 million years. As in, “it takes two galactic years to get a ruling out of the ISSO Dept of Complaints.
Rule 113. SP
Glass should not be used in the manufacture of, or taken onboard, a spacecraft. It’s a bugger to clean up if it breaks in micro g.
Rule 114. GM
Long distance solo spaceflight, trusting to your own vast knowledge and experience, is an effective cure for those suffering from Dunning-Kruger syndrome.
Rule 115. FA
Cut your toenails prior to Earth departure. Do not clip your toenails in micro g as those jagged little suckers will escape and, aside from being the third most gross thing that guests may encounter (see Rules 10 & 13) , they will eventually accumulate in the ship’s vitals, leading to inevitable catastrophic failure (ICF).
Rule 116. RBG
Never stay in a space pod-hotel where the doorman is called HAL. The service will be uncooperative at best.
Rule 117. MP
The ISSO has set the standard rate* of CETI voice comms at 43 cents per minute.
* may be higher from mobile devices or on exoglobal-roaming plans.
Rule 118. LO
No baby born in space will be stateless.
There is more than sufficient dark energy in space to power legal action to ensure that a child reaching zero-age-main-sequence (ZAMS) in space will be contested hot property. As nations and corporations clammer for ‘ownership’ of space territory, those born in space are a valuable connection as citizens of both the space-territory and the nation wishing to claim that territory.
Laws for nationality of a child born in space are sufficiently complex to be a space-lawyer’s delight. Both jus sanguinis, where the parents nationality is inherited, and jus soli, where the nationality of the birthplace is granted, leads to immensely profitable legal argument and usually dual citizenship.
-A child zammed at a permanent planet-side space-habitat operated solely (or in majority) by a single nation, gains automatic citizenship of that nation through jus soli by dint of the fact that the base is considered as a permanent territorial extension of the operating nation. Jus sanguinis also applies where he nationality of the parent is different from the base’s operating nation.
-A child zammed at a permanent orbiting space station operated solely (or in majority) by a single nation may be offered citizenship at the discretion of the operating nation (jus soli) and /or the child may inherit the mother’s nationality (jus sanguinis).
-A child zammed at a multi-nation (international) space-base or orbiting space station may have the citizenship of one or both their parents conferred at the discretion of those parents’ nations. Overflight of a nation at time of ZAMS does not confer citizenship of that nation and usually only jus sanguinis applies.
– A child born in suborbital flight is conferred the same rights under International Civil Aviation Organisation (ICAO) regulations as those born during international air travel.
Debate on the citizen status of space-children is welcome at the FSA Subcommittee for Rights of the Zammed (freespaceass.com).
118b. WARNING. Childbirth is a beautiful experience, but space-birth can be messy and the zammed are slippery little suckers to catch in micro gravity. Bring a net.
Rule 119. TO
Always, always, always, shut and latch spacecraft lockers, cupboards and drawers. Sudden changes in g make life really exciting when the cutlery cabinet has not been secured.
Rule 120. PK
While it is true that good manners will open doors that education cannot, it is also true that knowing how to operate the airlock properly is more important than showing courtesy when using it.
Rule 121. JB
Leonard’s Ninth Law of Antigravity is impossible to put down.
Rule 122. DB
Never kiss a professional astronaut. All liquid onboard is recycled and turned back into drinking water.
From “The Douglas Book of Space Etiquette and Volkswagen Maintenance.”
Rule 123. GM DH
Always fart in your spacesuit. It is most welcome:
123a. No one else can smell it and be offended. If they are then it is a handy warning that you may not have donned your environmental suit correctly.
123b. Admit it, everyone enjoys the sensation of a good off gassing.
123c. Internal spacesuit chem-scrubbers will quickly remove the lingering smell and it is a good test of a correctly functioning unit. Cut loose.
123d. Follow through should be avoided.
123e. Strong curry for the unconditioned is best avoided prior to EVA. If it may lead to failure to separate Rules 123b and 123d.
123f. Spacesuits are low pressure environments so farts are guaranteed.
123g. Given that it is not possible to whistle in a space suit (Rule 12), can anyone hear you fart in a space suit? Debate rages at the FSA (freespaceass .com), and input by fellow citizen-scientists is welcome.
Rule 124. AB
Space golf is a waste of a good space walk.
Rule 125. FA
There are many interesting things to do in space. A sample of the 100 Top 10 things to do on spacecation (space holiday) according to the FSA (freespaceass. com):
- Experience micro g.
- Blog on Spacepage about how amazing it is in space and how you are in space and how other people on Spacepage are not in space.
- Eat space food-from-a-tube.
- Record and distribute photos of space food-from-a-tube to people who do not care.
- Drink alcohol from a bulb.
- Record images of Earth from orbit so you miss the experience in real time but look at it later on.
- Walk on an amazing planet-scape with Earth hanging low on the horizon and a billion brilliant stars piercing the icy vacuum of space above. Then pocket a sample of planet/ moon rock to place on the mantlepiece back home.
- Watch cable TV in your space-hotel room.
- Play a round of space golf before drinking alcohol from a bulb.
- Go for a space walk.
- Take the dog for space-walkies. German space tourists call this space–dogging.
- Experience Rule 69.
- Look through the Leonard Oglescope, and buy the fridge magnet (with string) that says “ Eugene McGuintys: the space experience that stops at nothing!”
- Work on your radiation tan.
- Answer emails from work (pointing out that you are doing so even though you are in space on holiday).
- Spend quality time with your Spotato.
- Break Rule 13.
Rule 126. LO
The United Nations is, as per usual, the exemplar of feeding poor, starving bureaucrats and ensuring brevity in the rules-based-order:
“The Declaration on International Cooperation in the Exploration and Use of Outer Space for the Benefit and in the Interest of All States, Taking into Particular Account the Needs of Developing Countries (1996)”, is so terse as to be barely recognisable without its full explanation:
‘The non-binding, non-enforceable, statement of vague-agreement-only-when-it-suits that delivers a principles-based use of space and the stuff floating in it for peaceful, sensitive, culturally aware, environmentally friendly exploitation, as long as not too much has to be shared with poor people and it doesn’t get in the way of profit, nationalism, jingoism, ego, advertising revenue, and more profit.’
Rule 127. RBG
‘New Space’ is not a thing, despite the term’s use on the interweb. New Space is just space with the word ‘new’ tacked on it as if the commercialisation of taking you there has found an amazing point of marketing difference. Firstly, all Space is quite old and has been blowing about the galaxy for some time now which is part of its charm. Secondly, humankind’s adventures in getting to Space are all quite new when compared to, for instance, going to India.
Rule 128. LO
According to space-lawyers, Metalaw is “the entire sum of legal rules regulating relationships between different races in the universe.” That only works if the aliens all agree that it is the entire sum of legal rules. This is a bit like Christianity saying that it has the entire set of rules governing the afterlife. Some of the other religions might tend to disagree.
Rule 129. JB
Regardless of how far from Earth you are, if there is a gift shop, there will be Toblerone.
Rule 130. WB
Learning to juggle in micro g is very hard. The McGuinness Book of Galactic RecordsTM records the most balls simultaneously juggled in space as 4,001, held by the children’s entertainer Tony the Unexpectedly Naked.*
- The record is potentially 4,003 balls but the issue remains entangled in the courts.
- * TtUN was a rare quantum event.
Rule 131. PC
Yoga in micro g is part of space-hotel wellness holiday packages. Certainly no weirder than hot yoga, goat yoga, or naked yoga.* For the truly adventurous customer, Eugene McGuintys THAYOSJS offers hot naked zero-g^ goat yoga.
- Yes these are all real things available for purchase in Australia. Check them out on the interweb.
- ^The term zero-g is used by EG in clear contravention of The Rules.
Rule 132. TO
All the mountains on Saturn’s moon Titan are named after peaks in Lord of the Rings. Discount one-way tickets to Doom Mons (Mount Doom) are available at the day-trip counter at Eugene McGuintys.
Rule 133. SP
The moon, Lunar, is shaped like an egg. It only looks round because the fat end faces Earth.
Rule 134. SP
The second coldest known place in the solar system is a crater at the north pole of the Moon.
Rule 135. GM
The Central Bureau for Astronomical Telegrams (a real thing -look it up), responsible for the dissemination of information relating to transient astronomical events such as the sighting of comets and asteroids that could cause extinction-level events, is considering moving to email-based communications.
Rule 136.
Check Your Stuff Works.
Space is BIG. Douglas Adams had it right, no doubt about that.
“Space is big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space.” (Hitchhiker Guide To The Galaxy.)
So when you launch something into space, it is a long way back if you forgot to check that the spare oxygen, or your International Standard Potato is on board.
And you want to check that shit is in working order before you go. Make sure that the tyres are good and the radiator is full before you load up the kids and head off for the holidays. Make sure that reentry shield is strapped down tight and the retro rockets are fuelled before you blast off.
Understandable if you are racing to recover from a failure to abide by Rule 4 about entering big, abandoned space hulks; or Rule 9 regarding snakes on a space-plane,
Then it is understandable to get away post haste, and checks be damned.
Note to Boeing and NASA re The Starliner Dragon Capsule’s four-day mission on Day 37+. If you have the luxury of four years development and hundreds of highly qualified engineers, best to check stuff works prior to orbit. ‘Oh yeah, that would have been useful…’
ISSO acknowledges and thanks Kenzie Welch, Lexi Inks and InStyle Magazine. The ISSO bows to their expertise in definitions of the nine dress codes. As Lexi’s article states, “We [InStyle Magazine] tapped professional stylist and content creator, Kenzie Welch to break down each one.”
Rule 137
Follow The Dress Code
1. Casual
On Earth (according to Kenzie):
‘Casual really means comfortable, low key, and effortless.’
‘Dressing casually is more about how you feel than how you look.’
In Space (Rule 137-1):
This one is easy, it is all about natural fibres – cotton, wool, silk – cool, comfortable, and fire retardant fabrics, that don’t chaff and are suitable underneath a space suit in that quick-don emergency. Whether it is taking a break off-shift or lounging with your friends on the observation or hollo-deck, casual dress speaks to long-johns, a long sleeved T-shirt and socks.
2. Smart Casual
On Earth:
‘…doesn’t take as much mental effort as the name may suggest.’
‘Smart casual might mean business on top, party on the bottom.’
In Space (Rule 137-2):
Kenzie has nailed this in one – business on top, party on the bottom! This is basically your standard Spants-off-Friday (Note the hazards, see Rule 13). The top can be dressed up or dressed down depending on the formality of the occasion, but the bottom is all about letting it all hang out (in consenting company of course).
3. Business Casual
On Earth:
‘A relatively controversial concept in recent years…you’ll see plenty of
Gen Z creators struggling to figure out what qualifies as business casual.’
‘It’s showing up as your most confident self that can be taken seriously. People can really lean into their authentic style…’
In Space (Rule 137-3):
This is your standard, work-a-day shift attire. That old knocked about space suit, or ‘Beratnas Gas’ coverall is fine. Helmet optional depending on whether you are working pressurised or not. As Kenzie point out, you want to be taken seriously, so look the part in a suit that has clearly seen a few furlong fortnights (refer Rule 17). The look you are going for is ‘Amos Burton getting the job done’.
4. Cocktail
On Earth:
‘Cocktail attire usually requires a dress that is at right the knee or below the knee, anything longer can feel a little too formal.’
‘Wearing a heel is usually part of that as well. It could be a kitten heel, a block heel…but don’t wear sneakers.’
In Space (Rule 137-4):
Definitely reserved for an ‘after five’ function, and definitely off-shift. The sort of function would be canapés-from-a-tube and fizzy-drinks-with-an-umbrella-in-a-bulb. Expect to have to socialise with the billionaire boss who has come to ‘mix with the troops’ and see how their bitcoin spend is going. The event will likely be live streamed, so dress nice, no greasy coveralls and no clunky space suits. This is ideally the place for your best jumpsuit -a little more frivolous than those coveralls, and add a little diamanté bling. Heels (despite Kenzie’s advice) are still a no-go (see Rule 27 ), so go with a soft, closed-toe dress shoe or moon-boot.
5. Semi Formal
On Earth:
Semi formal does not have to be overly complicated or uncomfortable.
Kenzie does not really help here, leaving us to our own interpretation but does warn not to ‘bedazzle.’
In Space (Rule 137-5):
Semi formal has a strict definition in space and space tourism which keeps it simple. This is the place for wearing your LCVG (liquid cooled and ventilated garment) sans suit. This specialised clothing ensues you remain fresh and cool, look professional, and are ready to step up to Business Formal at a moment’s notice.
6. Business Formal
On Earth:
‘This involves a buttoned-up and extra polished look. Business formal means a suit. It’s very professional…and you don’t want to go over the top with accessories.’
In Space (Rule 137-6):
This your A-game, live stream, “One small step for man…” dress attire. Full suit, helmet on (visor glare shield up or down as appropriate). The full kit – gauntlets, boots, MOAS, (see Rule 3), zip ties, Spotato (see Rule 105), and spare Spotato. Breast plate shiny, helmet buffed, this is your ‘Major Tom’ moment.
7. Black Tie
On Earth:
“Try something really elegant, I would even say chic would be the word.”
“It’s important for [those identifying as] women to avoid going for the juvenile look.”
Staff at the ISSO add, a tuxedo or white dinner jacket for those identifying as male, full length gown for those identifying as women. One or the other, but not both, for those identifying as other.
In Space (Rule 137-7):
A black tie event can have two variations: at work-on-duty, and off-shift-formal-after-hours, but both are readily solved with Velcro TM (see Rule 13, do not use Kruger-Dunning Single Use Velcro TM).
On duty, black tie is your basic Business Formal with the addition of medals and a formal bow tie Velcroed in place. Fully functional, yet stylish. Make sure your metal work is gleaming and space boots are polished. Helmet (vacuum depending) is optional.
After-hours, your Number One Best Suit is fine, or your may opt for your formal jumpsuit. Here it is all about the tailored cut and quality of the cloth. A nice Seville Row or Dior number will stand out from the hoi polloi. Again, Velcro on your medals, and a bow tie for those identifying as male, a tasteful corsage for those identifying as ladies.
8. Black Tie Optional
On Earth:
“Dress is a formal gown, …wear a tuxedo, but it’s not required. You can save your absolute fanciest ensemble for another day, but black tie optional still requires a level of elegance.”
In Space (Rule 137-8):
Okay, time to be blunt. There is no room in space for ambiguity or loosey-goosey attitudes to Rule following. Black Tie Optional is forbidden in space. It is either Casual, Business Formal, or Black Tie. Never some half arsed, confusing combination. Space is too hostile and unforgiving for such lax behaviour.
9. White Tie
On Earth:
“Aim for a royal or presidential look. White tie is the top-tier dress code, so you don’t want to do anything less than absolutely formal…and you can also do some sort of glove with the gown to really elevate it.”
In Space (Rule 137-9):
Gloves, and we mean your formal-best-dress-gauntlets, are always an option in space so that is a readily available and great accessory for top-tier formal wear. Really, White Tie in space is all about plumes and feathers. Nothing says ‘presidential’ more than an elaborate helmet crest, or golden breast plate over gleaming white ceremonial space armour. You should aim for a polish that will blind a dozen random bystanders if someone accidentally fires a laser. Medals of course, the more and the bigger the better. Men, and those identifying as such, may wear pistols or light sabres at their hip, while those identifying as ladies should conceal their hardware in a stylish clutch purse.
The ISSO trusts that Rules 137-1 to 137-9 clarify the oft-confusing and socially awkward world of dress codes in space, and hopes to see you all at the bar for Spants-off-Friday.
The Final Rule. ES
In space, if required to be the hero and save the day, obey no rules.*
*Elvin’s 4th Law of Literary and Cinematic Convention.